why you’re the one everyone goes to for their problems

and what to do when the venting triggers your need to fix things for them

Your friend is in a relationship with someone who seems to be controlling. She keeps complaining about the same issues over and over again. It’s hard for you to hear this because it sounds like she’s suffering. Secretly, you feel somewhat frustrated at her — if it’s really making her that unhappy, why doesn’t she do anything about it? Each time you hear it, you only get more and more agitated.

Have you ever been in that frustrating position of listening to a loved one complain about their relationships, without anything ever changing? And as a highly sensitive person, you may even get all riled up on their behalf. You find yourself getting angry at the other person, too, even though you’re not even the one in the relationship. And at the end of all that venting, you end up feeling drained, while your friend or family member skips away, feeling relieved… That is, until the next venting session, where they seem just as annoyed as before, and complaining about the same thing all over again.

And even after walking away, you find yourself thinking of solutions days on end, helping them to ‘fix’ the situation in your mind. ‘Why can’t they just do this one thing to fix it?’, you think, going into problem-solving mode. Meanwhile, the resentment builds at constantly being on the receiving end of the venting that starts to feel less and less like a two-way conversation, and more like being someone’s psychic garbage pail.

If you find yourself experiencing this pattern in a relationship, it’s a sign to look deeper at what’s going on.

The emotionally dissociated friend or family member

It’s not an accident that they happen to be venting to you. If you’re here reading this, then you’re most likely highly sensitive and empathic; others feel seen and understood around you, which is no small thing in a world where most people don’t listen too well.

You may also be someone who viscerally experiences emotions (yours and others’!) and mirrors them back to the other. If your loved one happens to be emotionally dissociated — meaning, if they aren’t in touch with their emotions, even pushing them away or completely disowning them — then venting to you helps them to discharge the vague discomfort of their feelings onto you.

Imagine that having strong and intense emotions feels like holding onto a hot potato. Someone who is dissociated senses this discomfort and instead of trying to learn how to hold the hot potato safely, does the thing that they instinctively do to protect themselves — by tossing it to the closest person who seems willing to hold it. And this person is probably their nearest HSP.

Many HSPs tend to hold on to it and attempt to fix it with all their might, and get down on themselves pretty hard for not being able to cool this hot potato down.

But you can’t fix a feeling that’s not yours.

So, how do you break this cycle of unwittingly hanging on to a hot potato that wasn’t yours to begin with?

First, toss the hot potato back to them by asking, what would you like out of this conversation? And stating how you feel when you’re constantly hearing about the same issue over and over again. ‘When I listen to this, I feel (insert emotion)… I wonder how you feel about it.’ A person might need repeated reminders to see that you’re serious about your boundary, so expect to push back a few more times than you feel absolutely comfortable about doing. Remember, not everyone is highly sensitive, so it might take more than a hint to get your point across.

Many highly sensitive people are also highly conscientious, and rarely need more than a hint — and often assume others are the same. You’ve probably noticed by now that they are definitely not the same. Many people need things to be spelled out explicitly, in bold fonts and bright colors.

What if they seem determined to dump their stuff on you?

In an ideal world, pointing out the imbalance alone might be enough to help them acknowledge what they are subconsciously trying to get you to name. If they say something like, “Oh you’re right — I think I AM still angry about this thing I’ve been complaining to you about…” then that’s a very good sign!

But if they deny their feelings, downplay it, or even get annoyed at you — then it’s a pretty good sign they may not be ready or willing to confront how they feel.

And if that is the case, gently telling them how it feels to hear them complain about an issue you can’t fix can help address the here-and-now issue, perhaps reminding them about the imbalance in the conversation. “Hey, it sucks to hear that you don’t like your relationship, and it feels bad I can’t do anything about it.”

And in some cases, it may be time to confront that the relationship is limited in some way — perhaps you’ve just fallen into the role of playing the perpetual rescuer, and that’s how they’d like the relationship to be. Yet, listening to others’ problems may trigger the fight-or-flight reaction in you, and your system may be registering it as ‘I am not safe’ —> and go into fixing mode. Then, the most compassionate thing to do for all parties involved might involve steering the conversation in a different direction or just taking more time and space from each other.

And if this is repeated pattern in your life, e.g. your mom used to treat you as her confidant — then the original childhood pattern will need to be looked at and released. Because being parentified in this way is a form of complex trauma, no matter how normalized it is within your culture… Relationship patterns repeating are just a way of bringing to your attention a wounding to be acknowledged and healed.

“I need to fix everyone else around me before I can feel safe” — the underlying belief

Removing yourself from the rescuer role

Remember, you can’t do anything with a feeling that isn’t yours. We can only work with feelings that belong to us, because feelings provide information on what we are personally experiencing.

Working on feeling safe — regardless of the seeming problems or imperfections you see around you — is the only empowering way forward. Paradoxically, being accepting of others where they’re at, no matter what problems they’re facing, is what creates the change.