letting go of outworn identity outfits

“I worked so hard to get here — but why does it feel so unsatisfying?”

“I thought I really wanted this — I was told this is the thing to do/be — but why doesn’t it fulfill me?”

— Questions that often crop up when old ideas of who you think you are begin to crumble around you.

Many people experience this for the first time in their twenties. Depending on the specifics of one’s life path, some may experience the death-rebirth cycle repeatedly throughout their lifetimes.

Maybe a long-term relationship ends. You lose your job unexpectedly. You feel stuck in a less than desirable work situation. A sudden turn of events. A resulting depression and deep sense of dissatisfaction and disconnection.

This time can be unsettling, and even frightening, destabilizing — especially when you don’t know what’s going on and begin to blame yourself.

“I spent so much time on this — I can’t just change my path now.”

“Everyone thinks this is the safer path to stick to.”

“I don’t know who I am without this (aspect of my identity)”

Often, the levels of resistance people encounter to such sweeping changes come from familial and societal programming that tell us what we should want and who we should be.

We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us.

— Joseph Campbell

We’re typically told to attain status symbols, choose security over all else. The connotation is that if we go to a certain school, get a specific type of job, be with a certain type of partner, make X amount of money — we can keep ourselves safe (forever), be untouched by change.

And it’s not that security and stability aren’t valuable or important or useful — in fact, a basic sense of security is non-negotiable — but when we’re taught that a sense of security lies only in chasing and attaining things outside of ourselves, what we’re doing is really just chasing an illusion. Not only that, when we tend to start to identify with the things we own and do (our jobs, our grades, status symbols), the disruption of these things brings up strong emotional responses that show us just how deeply attached we are to these temporary identity outfits.

When you think and believe: I am this job; I am this living situation; I am this relationship — It makes sense why change can be so deeply disturbing to one’s sense of identity!

The true nature of reality is that things are constantly in flux. What we do, own and present as can never fully encapsulate the essence of your being, who you truly are. These aspects of our identity are just outfits, garments we put on so that we can navigate this society we live in.

And if you find yourself living in the in-between right now; the limbo, that space between the old you and the new you — I know how scary it can feel.

But it’s okay to take your time — while it’s natural to want to seek safety, maybe it’s also okay not to give in to the urge of quickly pinning something down just so you can say ‘this is who I am’.

What do we do when everything is uncertain? First, take it literally one moment at a time. In times of change, thinking too far ahead into the future can feel extremely overwhelming. Do whatever you can to develop a basic sense of safety in your daily routine — even if this means just doing what you need to do to secure your financial security.

Next, and whenever you feel you have capacity for this. To start the work of building a long-term sense of inner security (a sense of sovereignty).

This is not one-size-fits-all. But here’s my working equation:

Self-knowledge + nervous system regulation (developing a relationship with uncertainty) + aligned action.

Some guiding questions to begin your journey of self-inquiry…

What really lights you up?

What used to fascinate you as a child?

What do you gravitate towards naturally?

What would you do for free?

If there could be no negative consequences, what would you choose to do with your life?

What moves you? What do you see in the world that upsets you?

What are you afraid of?

What’s something you stopped yourself from exploring because other people told you it wasn’t ‘practical’?

Photo by Hulki Okan Tabak on Unsplash

Disclaimer: this is and all posts on my website are not medical advice. They are written for a general audience and may not be applicable for your specific situation. When in doubt, please consult a licensed healthcare professional.