do you have high-functioning depression + anxiety?
For many highly competent, achievement- and task-oriented people, signs of depression and anxiety are not often obvious. It can be really easy to fly under the radar when everything seems fine on the surface. Until a panic attack hits, or maybe a bout of depression makes it hard for you to climb out of bed — does it hit you: maybe something’s wrong.
If this is you right now: welcome — I see you. This could be the beginning of getting to know yourself better, and treating yourself with more gentleness and compassion. This could be the beginning of learning the sacredness of rest and restoration; of integrating more slowness and being into your life.
Here are some of the common behavioral patterns, thoughts and feelings of those of us who are great at the doing and achieving aspects of their lives (keeping up a job, relationships, parenting, taking care of all the details of their lives), but often experience depressive episodes and anxiety that makes it hard to feel fully engaged in life:
You’re used to performing at a really high level. Yet it’s hard for you to notice or realize that is a really high standard; you’re used to high-pressure, high-performing environments where having exacting standards is the norm. Some of your thoughts could sound like:
“It’s normal for everyone around me to be this way.” “I’m just average — there are so many others who are better than me and seem to be doing everything really well.”
You minimize your accomplishments. “That was nothing — it was really easy. Anyone could do it if they tried, or if they had the same opportunities/privileges that I did.”
When things are going well, it’s hard to slow down to appreciate this. Your nervous system may be in a constant state of hyper-arousal or survival mode. And when you do finally allow yourself to slow down or take a break, there’s a sense of uneasiness and discomfort; it feels like something is wrong. And so you jump back into doing mode, where the feeling of uneasiness goes away temporarily.
You could have a high tolerance for pain/frustration — you often feel guilty for taking a break when you’re ill, or you tend to push yourself through discomfort, relying on painkillers and other substances to get you through the moment. You often experience somatic symptoms like shoulder tension, migraines, backaches or have really difficult PMS symptoms.
You have bouts of rage and sadness that seem to ‘come out of nowhere’.
You may experience racing thoughts and restlessness; never feeling fully present, always planning, strategizing your next steps and looking for the next project.
Sometimes, when things are going well, it feels as though you may be waiting for the other shoe to drop — there is a precarious feeling to all your accomplishments. It feels as though it could all go away with just one wrong move.
You’re good at checking off the boxes, but may lack practice asking yourself if these are actually the boxes you want to check off. Your accomplishments may sometimes feel hollow: you might think: “I should be happy about this, but why do I actually feel nothing?”
Pathway to healing
There’s no quick fix to this feeling, but know that however you arrived here, it was because it was useful at some point, and you learned that this was the best way to approach life. Now that your body is sending you signals that something’s not right, give yourself credit for noticing this and desiring a different way of being. This is often the most difficult — but important — step.
Often, your beliefs and sense of identity are intrinsically tied up with this doing and achieving part of yourself. You may see yourself as a ‘responsible, hard-working person’ or have a really strong sense of purpose. Sometimes, you may come from financially limited means or an immigrant family with a strong work ethic; e.g. Asian cultural beliefs about the importance of being ‘financially stable’ or the desirability of white collar jobs, or having the pressure of financially providing for aging parents. Against this backdrop, it can often feel like you have ‘no choice’ but to keep doing what you’re doing — resting or slowing down doesn’t feel like an option. For these reasons and more, disrupting established patterns can be a complex process and needs to be approached with care and sensitivity.
Asking for help and reaching out may not feel like second nature to you, but if you’re using to doing it all by yourself, this may be the most important step in beginning to allow yourself to share your burdens with someone else, especially trained professionals.
Meanwhile, here are some things that may help:
Rewiring your nervous system: retraining your body to begin register slowing down and resting as safe. Your brain + body have learned that safety = working and being in a constant state of activity. This is why slowing down can often increase your anxiety in the short-term: your brain is questioning “Is it really safe to slow down?”
Breathing exercises teach your brain in the moment that it’s really safe to slow down: there are many to choose from. E.g.: Square breathing: Inhale for 4, hold for 4, exhale for 4 counts, hold for 4 counts, repeat. 4-7-8 breathing: inhale for 4, hold for 7 seconds, exhale for 8 seconds. Do this whenever you feel anxious while resting, upon waking, whenever feeling anxious, or before bedtime.
If you find yourself rushing from task to task, give yourself the gift of slowness. See if you can slow down those tasks/chores you tend to rush through; instead of reaching for more stimulation, which adds more stress to your system (scrolling mindlessly), see if you can take a minute to do some deep breathing or going for a walk around your neighborhood.
Acknowledge your achievements. Pause and take a look back at all you have done, and everything you have persisted in despite obstacles and challenges. You’ve done so much, and worked so hard — place a hand over your heart and deeply breathe in the feeling of gratitude towards yourself.
Tell your inner child, the one who has been working so hard:
It’s okay, it’s safe to rest now. You no longer need to worry so much about keeping yourself safe. You’re worthy and valuable no matter what you do (or don’t do). I’m here for you and I’m now responsible for keeping you safe. Let’s begin to let go and learn how to play again. I’ll take care of you. I’ll always be here for you.
Know that you’re worthy of taking care of yourself; you’re worthy of rest, joy and play, even if that may feel remote and foreign to you right now. It’s okay to allow the weary one within you to finally get some breathing room. The process may not be easy but is always worth it in the end. May you experience the healing waters of restoration.
Please note that this post is generalized to a wide audience and may not accurately reflect your unique qualities and needs. To get an accurate assessment, please speak to a licensed professional.
