what happens when good daughter stops being good

Letting Go

She has to let things be.

She starts to see things as they are.

She has to accept that everyone has their own journey, their own pain, their own suffering. That even if the version of reality she holds for her family in her heart seems ‘better’ than consensus reality… that it’s still her own hopes and ideals. Not theirs. And she learns that she cannot impose her ideals on others. No matter how much she thinks it’s ‘better’.

And it’s not her fault — it’s never been her fault. It’s not her responsibility to ‘fix’ them. Or to ‘fix’ anyone! It’s not within her power. And god knows, she’s tried.

And maybe… Just maybe, despite how it looks and feels, she starts to entertain the thought that, perhaps, things are actually… Perfect, as they are?

Healing means allowing her body to come out of survival mode, and into rest & digest

She learns to accept that pain is just a part of life. That even the people she loves sometimes just suffer, and that this is beyond her control.

She has to face her own pain. Her own pain of not being seen for who she is, outside of her role. She has to grieve this. She has to allow her nervous system to come out of chronic fight or flight (and freeze and fawn) mode. The more work she does around this, the more compassion she has for her family. ‘Oh, of course I couldn’t help them. They, too, have been stuck in chronic fight-or-flight. Just like how I couldn’t see or hear others when I was in survival mode.’

She has to let the illusion of control over others die.

Growing into who she is meant to be

She learns that there is much work to be done to allow herself to grow beyond the role of ‘good daughter’. And that a lot of this has already happened — she has raised herself through much of life. And now there are helpers waiting beyond the veil, waiting in the wings, to rush in to offer her support in this next phase.

Now, she is no longer identified with good. She sees beyond the trap of ‘good’ and ‘bad’. That really she is just human — with a full spectrum of emotions, that she’s still learning to interpret and express. She sees ‘good’ and ‘bad’ as the tools of control that they are. She thinks fondly of this younger version of herself who tried so hard to seek approval of her caregivers in order to feel safe. Now, she is learning to give herself unconditional support and self-understanding. She is reparenting younger parts of her who are slowly revealing themselves to her, wanting to be seen and accepted. She trusts the process, no matter how ‘long’ it takes. Linear time means nothing when it comes to healing.

She’s no longer good. And that thought isn’t threatening at all.

Now, she is free.