when good daughter burns out
“why doesn’t anyone else seem to notice or care that I’m burning out?”
because:
in order to care, people around you would have to first notice their own emotions, in order to have empathy for yours. (And the default state in the world still skews towards emotional dissociation.)
your hard work is seen as normal and thus, taken for granted
you were conditioned to work hard to earn approval in the first place, because approval = safety as a child
working hard was a coping mechanism for all the uncertainty (+ other threatening feelings) you felt growing up
you’re used to your parents being negligent or oblivious to your needs, or, you’ve learned that telling them your problems didn’t create any helpful outcomes — but because this pattern hasn’t been healed, you may accept friends or a partner that mirror the same lack of care back to you
you picking up the slack for others, whether mentally, emotionally, or physically, often allows others to remain in denial to their own pain or problems (playing the rescuer role!)
but really, the key reason is:
you’ve learned to dismiss, minimize and hide your own suffering. You’re also probably really tenacious, talented, creative and persistent, or what is known as ‘high-functioning’, so you’ve also convinced yourself you don’t really feel that bad. In fact, you’ve become so good at downplaying how tired you are, how depressed you’re feeling, and so used to putting on a good face… that you’ve bought into this mask you’ve created for yourself.
Meanwhile, the cry within grows ever louder, ever more insistent. Your high functioning starts to slip. Your tears seem to come out of nowhere. ‘What’s happening to me?’
Finally, you decide to take the cues from your body seriously.
It’s time to give yourself permission to truly take care of yourself, first. To put yourself first.
Your feelings are important. Your body is crying out for your attention. You deserve the rest that you so desire. It’s okay to slow down. At a certain point, the threat has already passed — but the feeling of being threatened remains. This is a sign of an intelligent system, simply needing a reset.
It’s okay to spend time with yourself. At first the silence will seem threatening. There will be a strong urge to plunge back into old overworking patterns. But try to resist. Good things wait beyond that initial panic. And maybe at first, no feelings come — or they come all at once, and it’s all way too overwhelming. Give it time to settle. Perhaps get a guide who can talk you through the confusion.
Because after a while, the language of your heart will become familiar again. She has never gone away. She was simply waiting for you to sit, stay and listen…
Invite pauses into your day today, no matter how much your mind may protest ‘but, my schedule!’. Take one thing off your plate. Take a breath. Take your time. Put yourself first.
